6 Signs of a Toxic Person & How to Cut Them Out of Your Life

Over the years I have had many friendships and relationships come and go.

Sometimes in life we're incredibly close to someone and the relationship serves us well for a period of time.

Other times those relationships may start to feel depleting and exhausting.

It’s important to not let yourself get dragged down or let animosity and resentment build up towards someone. To determine if the relationship is worth continuing, there are some vital signs to look for.

There are many relationships we have in life- close friends, co-workers, family, acquaintances.

At certain stages those relationships may have meant something, brought value to our lives, or made us a better person.

However, as we evolve as individuals, many of these relationships fade away or become less impactful. Or they may become more impactful, but not in a positive way.

Every year or so I do an evaluation of myself and the 5 key areas of life to determine where I am thriving, surviving, or regressing.

The relationships category is always an interesting area to review, and gives me much insight on where I am and if I am on the right path.

“Show me your five closest friends and I will show you who you are”

Finding the Toxic Source

We are the sum equivalent of those we spend the most time with. Take a minute and look at the people in your life.

Are those people inspiring or expiring?

Negative influences, or positive?

Do they cheer you on from the sidelines, or throw shade at any attempts you make to improve yourself or your life?

Human connection is something that has been studied and documented well over the years, and has proven to be a key element in overall health and happiness.

But it is not just being around people that makes our lives better, but being around the right kind of people.

I had a friend in my late teens who I spent a lot of time with. We would go on trips, hang out at my apartment, and go out partying all the time. I considered this person a good friend.

After a couple years I started to notice that although we spent a lot of time together, we weren’t very close. I didn’t know much about who she was at her core, and what her values and beliefs were.

I attempted to bridge this gap but it wasn’t well received and it seemed like she wanted to keep a wall between us.

I began paying attention to smaller details about our friendship and over time realized that it was very surface and superficial, and that she didn’t care about me much as a person.

I made a point to steadily create distance between us, and although it was a little sad, I am so glad I did.

You have to make room for the type of people you want in your life.

“It is better to be alone than in bad company”

How to Know How Toxic They Are

Here are the things to look for when you are assessing your relationships, and signs that it may be time to call it:

They don’t make you feel good. After you spend time or get off the phone with them, do you feel exhausted or depleted? Are you glad it’s over? Or do you feel a sense of gratitude and positive energy towards them, or life in general?
The habits or lifestyle they are leading are not in alignment with your own. If someone is living a lifestyle you are progressing away from, take note. Having only the past in common is not a great reason to keep someone around.
They are not reliable. We all know life is busy and things need to be rescheduled sometimes. But if you are constantly being flaked on or cancelled on, it is usually a sign that this person doesn’t respect or value your time or the relationship.
You don’t share similar values. Pay attention to the person’s actions and words towards others and life. If you value honesty, kindness and positivity, it will be depleting to spend time around someone who gossips, lies, and focuses on the negative.
They don’t support you in your efforts or goals. Are you on a new diet or exercise plan? Going to school? Trying to watch less TV? A good friend will be proud of you and encourage that, and find ways to spend time with you other than eating out, playing hooky, or Netflix and chill.
They are not there for you. Whether you need a ride, a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on, someone who cares about you will do what they can to be there. A toxic person will bail, make excuses, or even worse, make it about them.

It’s a hard pill to swallow when determining that you need to remove someone from your life.

I know I have kept friends around for far too long and had to suffer the repercussions for it.

You don’t deserve to be held back by anyone else.

Change is really hard at first, messy in the middle, but always worth it in the end.

How to Call it Quits

There are a few ways to go about ending a relationship or distancing yourself from someone. I have tried them all and it really comes down to determining which tactic will be most effective with that specific person.

I have written letters (yes, handwritten letters), explanatory emails, and sat down with people face to face to express my feelings and tell them what I needed and why. This is most effective because it lets you express and work through your feelings, and creates a dialogue and closure. The other person will hopefully take that information and learn from it and make some positive changes in their lives. They may also offer an apology; sometimes people really don’t understand how deeply their words and actions can affect others.
Try to slowly create space between you and the other person by not accepting invitations or being vague or spotty with responses to calls or messages. This works for people whom you may not be incredibly close to but need to distance yourself from nonetheless.
The easiest but most ineffective way to cut someone from your life, in my opinion, is to just cease all communication and shut them out. Poof, ghost, be gone. It's happened to a lot of us. This not only does not solve or heal anything on either end, but oftentimes leaves unresolved issues in one or both of you. If you care about or appreciate the person or at least what the relationship once was, you should properly close the chapter for your own sake.

Most importantly, remember that people are intrinsically good, and not bad. Selfishness, negativity, and toxic behavior are oftentimes signs of depression and sometimes worse.

You always have the option to reach out to this person in a gentle and loving, kind way and see if there is a way you can help them.

They may be struggling more than you realize, and just like children, we act out when we are unwell.

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